Hi, it's me. I'm back.

Dear Skinny Me,

Hi, it's me.  I'm back.  Remember me?  It's been awhile as you can tell from the last letter I wrote you over 6 months ago.  I'm sad to say I lost sight of you.  I thought you left me, but in all reality it was me that turned away.

I had a rough year in 2013.  Lots of ups and downs, mentally, spiritually, and physically.  You know that when things get rough I go into my turtle shell and things end up not going well.  That is what I did.  Things got rough, I turned to food, and gained a lot of my weight back that I had lost.  I thought for sure that I wouldn't get to meet you ever again. 

In November I hit my 1 year anniversary with my personal trainer, Justin.  It was not the year that I wanted.  As I looked over the first year of working out with him, I was very proud of some moments and then not so proud of some moments.  Justin and I had a lot of ups and downs, not because of Justin, but because of me.   However, Justin never gave up on me.  He could still see you and was not ready to let me lose sight of you.  Starting in November I vowed to myself to find you again.

I'm well on my way.  I did a 5k in December.  My goal was to run 17 minute miles and I averaged 15:52 miles.  I did my 5k in under 50 minutes and that had not happened in awhile.  That was a huge turning point for me.  I decided then and there it was time to take my life back.  You were there with me encouraging me.  It was so good to see you again.

I had a huge breakthrough the other day.  I actually looked in the mirror last week and thought, "Wow, I look cute."  That is huge as you know.  I've always struggled with loving myself where I am.  I always would say "When I lose weight I will love myself or when I lose weight I will finally be happy."  Everyone  has always told me I needed to love myself right where I was, but I couldn't do that.  I could not look in the mirror and love what I saw. 

Not only have I learned to love myself I have quit turning to other things for comfort.  I no longer suck my thumb, bite my nails, and for the most part I don't turn to food for comfort anymore.  Everything has really clicked.  I'm working out on a regular basis and the weight is starting to come off again.

I know this is how it goes with me, but I feel like some things have really clicked with me that haven't ever clicked before.

I have started off strong this year.  I am excited to see what 2014 has in store for me.  I have a feeling you and I will be meeting a lot sooner than I thought. 

It's so good to be back.  I'll write again soon.  I've missed you. 

Love, not so skinny me,
Melissa

Loving Me Where I am Today

Dear Skinny Me,

A lot has happened since I last wrote.

I hit the 50 pounds lost mark. Wahoooo.

I signed up and completed a 5k. I haven't done a race in about a year and a half. I'm super proud of these accomplishments, but have recently gotten stuck and it's time to get unstuck. . . . . again.

I feel like these letters keep repeating themselves. I have great days, then setbacks, then fall into old habits and ways of thinking. I cannot wait for this cycle to stop and I can see that looking at you, that I will finally learn this.

I was talking to my counselor about this and he said I need to love myself where I am today. He reminded me that my friends, family, and most importantly God love me no matter how much I weigh at my highest or how much I weigh after hitting my goal weight. Everyone love me where I am today and it has nothing to do with my weight.

My family, my friends, and God love me unconditionally, so I need to put no conditions for feeling love from them.It doesn't matter how much weight I lose, they still love me. It doesn't matter what races I do or don't do. It doesn't matter how many people I help or inspire, they still love me. I need to accept myself right now for who I am and how I look. I need to love myself where I am today and get out of the mindset that when I lose the weight I will be happy.

I look at you at goal and am so glad that you figured this out before hitting goal. You are beautiful at goal, but you were just as beautiful before ever losing a pound and you were beautiful during the whole process. Thank you for teaching me to love myself where I am today. Thank you for finally understanding that your weight, your looks, and what you do will not make people love me more or less.

I look at you and am so thankful you never gave up on me.
I'm so thankful for the unconditional love of my family, my friends, and God.
I'm so thankful for a Personal Trainer, and friend, that never gave up on me. Thanks Justin.

I will keep writing these letters no matter how often they seem to repeat themselves. I will do this until I finally get it. I will keep doing this until I FINALLY get to meet you.

Love, Not so skinny me,
Melissa

Fear of the unknown

April 5, 2013

Dear Skinny Me,

After the last few days I'm not even sure how you made it to goal. I've really been getting in my own way of this healthy lifestyle change. I get so upset with myself, but looking at you I'm really glad you stuck it out and never gave up on me.

Last week was tough too. I've been having some major anxiety and lately it's been worse when Justin has asked me to run for any length of time. Monday he asked me to run a mile straight on the treadmill and all hell broke lose. Totally panicked, my breathing was all crazy, but I finally did it, but that snowballed me into some major anxiety.

I started doubting whether or not I could even do the 5k I signed up for on Memorial Day. I told Justin I wasn't going to do it. I told him I was not going to run with my friend, Gail. Gail is a new friend of mine that told me she would run with me and help me get ready for the 5k.

This sounded great at the time, so I said yes. We were all set for this past Thursday. After panicking on Monday and having some major anxiety on Tuesday I just knew I couldn't run with her. Part of the anxiety was that I don't train in groups or with other people. As an overweight person this is very hard for me.

I've also been dealing with some hard news in my life. Seems like the saying, "when it rains it pours" has been my life's story lately, so I do believe that my anxiety issues also had to do with some of the news I've been dealing with.

After breathing through the worst of my anxiety and talking to some friends I was able to work through it. I kept my running appointment with Gail and it was amazing. It was hard, but it wasn't as bad as I was anticipating.

On Thursday I had counseling and have been doing a lot of thinking. I've learned that I need to release those things that I can't control. Also, I am a very compassionate person and sometimes that means taking on people's pain and letting it affect my life, so I realized that I have been taking some of the news I have been getting and really taking it to heart. I have a friend that is very sick right now and have now dedicated my healthy living journey to her. While she is sick, she would not want me to throw my life away feeling sorry for her. In fact, she would be pretty pissed if I did that, so I have turned my thinking around about that and I'm getting healthy in her honor, while she's not able to get herself healthy. It's a great new outlook for me in this regard.

I also have a lot of fear of the unknown, which explains the anxiety with the running, especially running with Gail. Because I am self-conscious about me and running I built that situation up. Once I got going with Gail it was amazing and went well. There was ABSOLUTELY no reason for me to be so scared. You were right Justin. I hate to say it.

I'm so glad to see you at goal. I'm so glad they you have learned not to take on the world's problems as your own. It's great that you are so compassionate and that you have learned to be compassionate without it affecting your life.

I'm so glad that you have learned not to fear the unknown. So many times I have not done things or worked myself up and then the situation was fine. I'm so proud of you. Isn't it great not to have to deal with so much anxiety? Aren't you proud of yourself for all the new things you have tried? Think of all the things you would have missed had you let your anxiety and fear get the better of you. You've done it.

This week I really didn't think I would ever meet you because I was ready to quit. I was ready to throw in the towel. I felt like if I'm going to always struggle what's the point, but deep down you were telling me not to give up and even though I had a couple dark days I listened to you and pulled through. Thank you for telling me not to quit. Thank you for all your hard work. Thank you for sticking through these hard days, so you could reach goal.

Yesterday and Today have been good and I look forward to stringing together more and more good days until I finally get to meet you. Don't worry it will be sooner rather than later.

Proud of you.
Love not so skinny me,
Melissa

Working out in an Airport

Dear Skinny Me, 3/17/13

Guess what? I think that I've really turned a corner. I'm becmoing more and more like you every day at least in my mindset! I still have a ways to go physically, but mentally I've grown leaps and bounds.

today was one of those days I want you to NEVER forget. We travelled Illinois for Jimmy's wedding adn today Tricia, Parker, and I are heading hom. We had a 3 hour layover in the Cleveland airport.

I had planned on sleeping, but upon arriving in our terminal, getting the kids food, and getting situated I realized it was a perfect terminal for working out.

We had just come up a really long excalator with stairs in between. The stairs were 4 regular flights cmobined into one as pictured above. That would get my heart rate up for sure. While walking around noticed I could easily wakl laps from one end to the other and there was a section, kind of hidden, where no one was sitting. It was perfect for some lunges and squats.

I was all ready to go. We didn't check bags so I was able to get my Heartrate Monitor and put it on. My goal was to burn 500 calories in 1 hour. I was off.

I started off and decided every time I came to the stairs on my route I would go down and up them. I passed them 2 times a lap, so by the time I was done I went down and up them 12 times.

On on trip up the stairs a lady, on the excalator, told me I made her feel like a slug. She asked how many times I had done it and I told her it was my 9th time up. She asked me why i was doing it and I told her I was getting in an hour cardio workout while waiting for my plane.

Another lady I kept passing finally said to me, "Wow, you are really impressing me. Good Job!" Some people smiled some people gave me weird looks too. At one point I stopped to do lunges and squats. One guy came into the area after I started, but I kept going anyway.

On my way down and up the stairs for the last time I realized I would reach my goal of 500 calories. In fact, in 1:05 minutes, I burned 517 calories!! :) I also realized what a big deal this was for me, which is why I am writing you.

Mormally when i travel I use layovers to sleep and eat. I was legitly tired, but also knew that I wanted to keep on track with my goals and being gone for a weekend. Never forget how exhausted you were and how you still made the choice to workout. I know that deccision has brought me closer to meeting you and I can't wait.

Next, I want you to remember this day because you didn't care what anyone in the airport thought ofy ou. I'm sure you looked pretty goofy doing lunges and squats in an airport and the old you, the one that weighted over 300 pounds, would have stopped the instant that guy walked near where you were, but you didn't and for that I am grateful. Because you didn't stop you got even closer to who you are today. Great job!!

It took courage to workout in the airport, but I did it and I want you to NEVER forget the smile onyour face when you finished a one hour workout in terminal D of the Cleveland airport.

thank you for helping me find my courage. Thank you for helping me make good decisions even when i don't want to. Thank you for picking me up all those times I fell. Thank you for NEVER giving up on me. Thank you for helping me stick with it even when I didn't want to sometimes. Because of you and your courage and passion you have reached your goal and given me much hope that I will join you soon!

Thanks for a great day today-
Love, not so skinny Melissa

PS. Some other great choices I made this weekend were the morning of Jimmy's wedding I went to the gym and worked out for 2 hours and burned 1074 Calories. Normally I would have said, "Hey I'm on vacation. I'll workout when I get home," but I didn't. Also, at the wedding they had the most amazing candy buffet I've ever seen and I didn't have 1 piece. So glad that I am getting stronger in these moments, so I can meet you.

Seat Belt Extender, who needs one?

Dear Skinny Me, 3/15/13

Hi, I'm on an airplane heading to Chicago and guess what just happened? For the first time, in a loooong time, I didn't have to ask for a seat belt extender. This was the best feeling ever!! It just shows me again that my hard work is really paying off!

Just this past week I had to buy a new bathing suit, in the next size down, and had to buy new biking shorts as well. You know when your spandex is too loose you are doing something right. This was another wonderful moment for me.

The reason I am writing to you about this is because I NEVER want you to forget these two moments. You will never be these sizes again. I will say that again YOU WILL NEVER BE THESE SIZES AGAIN. Pretty cool, huh?

All the sweat and tears has paid off. I want you to NEVER forget how big your smile was when you were able to click your seat belt. It was a big smile and you even said something to the guy next to you on the plane you were so excited. :)

I want you to remember your biking shorts starting to fall down while you were jump roping. You laughed, pulled them back up, and were very excited. It was a great moment.

I am so grateful to you becasue even in your darkest moments you held on, fought hard, and NEVER gave up on me. You perservered and you made it. You look amazing by the way. Even when you didn't have faith in yourself you dug deep and kept fighting and look at you now!! You've hit your goal and are the happiest you've ever been. Be proud of youself because I sure am.

Forever grateful to you,
Not so skinny Melissa

P.S. Today is 3/17/13, two days after I wrote the above letter. We flew home from Chicago today on two different planes. The planes were a lot smaller, so I thought I would have trouble with the seatbelts, but I didn't again. Even on the little puddle jumper where the seatbelts are not as long. It was a little tight, but I could still click it. It was another good day. Remember these days, so you NEVER get back to where you were.

You Seized the Day!!!

Dear Skinny Me,

Yesterday you went to New York City. You were there to see NEWSIES on Broadway. One of the most famous songs from that musical is SEIZE THE DAY. Well, yesterday in New York, you did just that. You SEIZED THE DAY and did not make a trip to the city a reason to be unhealthy.

First off, we parked our car and saw the CAKE BOSS CAFE. Tricia (my daughter)and I are HUGE fans. Tricia saw that one of Buddy's brother-n-laws was in the kitchen. So we ran into the bakery and got a picture with him. It was his Brother-n-law, Mauro. He was really sweet. While there Keith and Tricia decided to get a treat. As a fan of the show I really had convinced myself it was ok to get a treat because when would I EVER be there again, so I asked Mauro which one was the healthiest and was ready to order, but then realized that meeting Mauro was treat enough and didn't order anything. First victory of the day and it wasn't even as hard as I thought it would be. Here is my picture of Mauro and me:



Next, we met up with Parker's (my son) theater group for lunch before the show. We ate a a BBQ place and because we were a group of over 75 people they had pre-ordered the food. Here were the appetizers, fried onions, fried vegetables, fried chicken, and fried shrimp.



Look at that food. That is so gross and just the smell made me sick. I knew ahead of time that I would probably not be able to eat at this restaurant, so I took control of my life and brought my own food. I wrote down everything I was going to eat all day. I even wrote what time I would eat it. I packed my food, snacks, and my drinks. I was in control and I did not let food or circumstances control. I was SEIZING THE DAY.

After lunch we headed to the show and then home. I had made a plan, stuck to it, and today when I weighed in I had lost 4.9 pounds. Did you read that right? 4.9 pounds. That is amazing. I have lost 35 pounds total since starting with Justin on November 5th, 2012. I went from the 270's to the 260's. That made my day. I will NEVER go back to the 270's EVER AGAIN.

I want you to remember this day. As the cast of Newsies sang SEIZE THE DAY you thought about all that you accomplished in that one day. I want you to remember how it was easier to eat healthier than to make excuses as to why it was ok to eat the junk. I want you to remember that you actually realized that the experiences were treats enough for you. I want you to remember how happy you felt at the end of the day when your head hit the pillow. I want you to remember how you felt when you stepped on that scale this morning and saw that you lost 4.9 pounds. Remember how you felt when you said good-bye to the 270's. It was the last time you will EVER weigh that. These are feelings I never want you to forget because I never want you to gain your weight back.

You have hit goal and I can see why. It's because of moments like you had yesterday. You SEIZED THE DAY and I am one more step closer to meeting you because of that. I am looking forward to seeing what this week has to hold. You have learned to KEEP CALM AND SEIZE THE DAY, which is what I'm hoping to incorporate into my life everyday. Thanks for all your hard work and never giving up on me.

Love, not so skinny me,
Melissa

Huge Breakthrough

Dear Skinny Me,

Wow, this has been a crazy week for me. I've had some good positives, but some real lows as well. James, my counselor says I'm strong enough to start dealing with some deep issues from my past. We've been working on stuff for the last few weeks and boy is it hard. He has been my counselor for 2 years, so I really trust him and I am learning that you can't really heal your future without healing your past. That is why when I lost the 106 pounds the first time I gained it all back. That is why, no matter how painful things get this time around, I am going to do this.

On February 16th, the kids and I went on a trip to Illinois for a week. I put all kinds of plans into place, so I could still live a healthy lifestyle. I worked out 5 days, 2 of those with a personal trainer, I bought my own food, never ate out, met with James in person, etc. etc. All this work, got home this past Monday and had gained 3.2 pounds. I was mad. In my mind, what the hell was the point, if you do all that work and still gain weight? I worked out with Justin on Monday and had a good workout, but was still pissed and let it get in my head. This started to affect my week.

Thursday I did some counseling homework, which really dragged me down. Over the years of my life I've learned to shove my feelings down and not talk about it, so I am slowly learning not to do this anymore, but Thursday it was a little too much for me to handle, so I said to myself, "F*@k it all" and ate whatever I wanted. I figured, what was the point, I had gained that weight anyway over vacation, so what was the point? I watched TV and ate all day. Remember when you used to turn to food for comfort? Those were some crazy days. I'm so proud of you that you were able to learn better ways to cope with your emotions. Look at you now. Wow, amazing. All this hard work is paying off for sure.

This happened the day before I was to workout with Justin. I sent him an email telling him what happened, telling him I was going to go workout, even though it was 10pm at night, and telling him I didn't want to talk about it the next day during our session. I woke up, got ready for our session. We were supposed to workout for 1:30, but at the end of the session he talked to me for about 20 minutes. He knew I didn't want to talk, but that didn't mean he couldn't. He was really trying to get me to figure out why I just couldn't let go and do this? What was I scared of? Why do I self sabotage myself? And, as you know from working with Justin, he even got me to talk. :) Because of this I had some incredible things happen Friday Night and Saturday. Huge turning points I would say.

During our session on Thursday, Justin kept encouraging me to come to his strength and spinning class that night, ok, who am I kidding here, he mentioned it so many times I knew I had no choice. :) The thing about group classes is that I hate them. I am usualy the biggest person there and usually have trouble with what is going on and have trouble finishing. I told him I hate group classes and at one point he sent me a text saying, "Come tonight. Face your fears." I was hoping my babysiting job would go over, so I couldn't make it, but I finished at 4:30 and his class was at 5:30. I went. You would have been so proud of me.

I got on a bike next to my friend, Emily. She is super enouraging and has been right where I am. She gets it. I was doing great when towards the end of the class my left calf just cramped up. It was so bad I couldn't even put any weight on it at first. I sat there massaging it while everyone around me finished the class. I was pissed. I even said to Justin at one point, "This is why I told you I didn't want to come." Emily checked on me and I told her, "This is why I don't like group classes. I hate being the fat girl that always has trouble." She made me look at her and said, "You are not the fat girl having trouble. You are the badass that made it here and hasn't left yet." I was still pissed, but after my leg felt better, I got up, grabbed some dumbells and even though I couldn't bike anymore finished the weights workout. I didn't quit. Even though I was embarrassed and pissed during class on the drive home I realized just how well I had done. I did some of the best biking I had done in a long time and I didn't give up. I was a badass. :)

Saturday, Justin has a spin class at 10am. When I walked through the door he was really surprised to see me. I think after the night before he wasn't expecting me to come. I had a great class, my legs cooperated. After class, someone walked up to me and asked me if my leg was ok. They had been at the class the night before. They told me that they were so impressed I had come back after the rough night I had. I left the studio with a smile on my face.

After getting home I got some bad news. I was instantly sick to my stomach and crying, but then something happened that has never happened to me before. I stopped, took a breath, and realized this was out of my control. There is absolutely NOTHING I could do to change what was happening and even though I was pissed, I knew I would be ok. I was not going to let this derail me from my goals or get me down. I was still mad, so for the first time I took my anger to the gym and not to bed or the kitchen. I did not turn to food for comfort. I worked out for an hour. I cried during that workout. I got mad during that workout and when I left my gym it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I felt at peace. It was AWESOME and a huge breakthrough for me. I am writing to you about this because I never want you to forget this day. I want you to remember what you did. I want you to know that on these days you made some AWESOME decisions that led you to where you are now. You are living proof that this can be done and I never want you to forget

I never want you to forget sitting on the floor after your leg cramped up. Remember how pissed you were, how embarassed you were, how out of control you felt that night. I want you to remember the choice you made that night. You got back up and did what you could to finish that class. I want you to remember the next day waking up and deciding to get your ass back to the spinning studio. I want you to remember the feelign you felt when you walked in and Justin was so happy to see you. Remember, how even when it felt like your leg was going to cramp up again, you kept persevering. I also want you to NEVER forget how in the face of bad news, for the FIRST TIME EVER in your life, you released it because it was out of your control. These are the moments that are leading to where you are today, at goal, happy, and living life to the fullest.

I want you to know that I am so proud of you for Friday night and Yesterday. You made some amazing choices. You took a huge leap closer to your goals. I am that much closer to meeting you and never coming back to where I am today. You are amazing and you did it. You are at your goal weight, you worked hard through all the hard stuff, and look at you, amazing.

I know that I will still have hard days and want to turn to my old ways, but looking at you now, at your goal weight, happy, enjoying life, I know that I will learn and not have to turn to food or my old habits to feel comfort. You are proof of that. I am grateful to you for never giving up on me.

Love, Not so skinny me, Melissa <3