April 5, 2013
Dear Skinny Me,
After the last few days I'm not even sure how you made it to goal. I've really been getting in my own way of this healthy lifestyle change. I get so upset with myself, but looking at you I'm really glad you stuck it out and never gave up on me.
Last week was tough too. I've been having some major anxiety and lately it's been worse when Justin has asked me to run for any length of time. Monday he asked me to run a mile straight on the treadmill and all hell broke lose. Totally panicked, my breathing was all crazy, but I finally did it, but that snowballed me into some major anxiety.
I started doubting whether or not I could even do the 5k I signed up for on Memorial Day. I told Justin I wasn't going to do it. I told him I was not going to run with my friend, Gail. Gail is a new friend of mine that told me she would run with me and help me get ready for the 5k.
This sounded great at the time, so I said yes. We were all set for this past Thursday. After panicking on Monday and having some major anxiety on Tuesday I just knew I couldn't run with her. Part of the anxiety was that I don't train in groups or with other people. As an overweight person this is very hard for me.
I've also been dealing with some hard news in my life. Seems like the saying, "when it rains it pours" has been my life's story lately, so I do believe that my anxiety issues also had to do with some of the news I've been dealing with.
After breathing through the worst of my anxiety and talking to some friends I was able to work through it. I kept my running appointment with Gail and it was amazing. It was hard, but it wasn't as bad as I was anticipating.
On Thursday I had counseling and have been doing a lot of thinking. I've learned that I need to release those things that I can't control. Also, I am a very compassionate person and sometimes that means taking on people's pain and letting it affect my life, so I realized that I have been taking some of the news I have been getting and really taking it to heart. I have a friend that is very sick right now and have now dedicated my healthy living journey to her. While she is sick, she would not want me to throw my life away feeling sorry for her. In fact, she would be pretty pissed if I did that, so I have turned my thinking around about that and I'm getting healthy in her honor, while she's not able to get herself healthy. It's a great new outlook for me in this regard.
I also have a lot of fear of the unknown, which explains the anxiety with the running, especially running with Gail. Because I am self-conscious about me and running I built that situation up. Once I got going with Gail it was amazing and went well. There was ABSOLUTELY no reason for me to be so scared. You were right Justin. I hate to say it.
I'm so glad to see you at goal. I'm so glad they you have learned not to take on the world's problems as your own. It's great that you are so compassionate and that you have learned to be compassionate without it affecting your life.
I'm so glad that you have learned not to fear the unknown. So many times I have not done things or worked myself up and then the situation was fine. I'm so proud of you. Isn't it great not to have to deal with so much anxiety? Aren't you proud of yourself for all the new things you have tried? Think of all the things you would have missed had you let your anxiety and fear get the better of you. You've done it.
This week I really didn't think I would ever meet you because I was ready to quit. I was ready to throw in the towel. I felt like if I'm going to always struggle what's the point, but deep down you were telling me not to give up and even though I had a couple dark days I listened to you and pulled through. Thank you for telling me not to quit. Thank you for all your hard work. Thank you for sticking through these hard days, so you could reach goal.
Yesterday and Today have been good and I look forward to stringing together more and more good days until I finally get to meet you. Don't worry it will be sooner rather than later.
Proud of you.
Love not so skinny me,
Melissa
