Huge Breakthrough

Dear Skinny Me,

Wow, this has been a crazy week for me. I've had some good positives, but some real lows as well. James, my counselor says I'm strong enough to start dealing with some deep issues from my past. We've been working on stuff for the last few weeks and boy is it hard. He has been my counselor for 2 years, so I really trust him and I am learning that you can't really heal your future without healing your past. That is why when I lost the 106 pounds the first time I gained it all back. That is why, no matter how painful things get this time around, I am going to do this.

On February 16th, the kids and I went on a trip to Illinois for a week. I put all kinds of plans into place, so I could still live a healthy lifestyle. I worked out 5 days, 2 of those with a personal trainer, I bought my own food, never ate out, met with James in person, etc. etc. All this work, got home this past Monday and had gained 3.2 pounds. I was mad. In my mind, what the hell was the point, if you do all that work and still gain weight? I worked out with Justin on Monday and had a good workout, but was still pissed and let it get in my head. This started to affect my week.

Thursday I did some counseling homework, which really dragged me down. Over the years of my life I've learned to shove my feelings down and not talk about it, so I am slowly learning not to do this anymore, but Thursday it was a little too much for me to handle, so I said to myself, "F*@k it all" and ate whatever I wanted. I figured, what was the point, I had gained that weight anyway over vacation, so what was the point? I watched TV and ate all day. Remember when you used to turn to food for comfort? Those were some crazy days. I'm so proud of you that you were able to learn better ways to cope with your emotions. Look at you now. Wow, amazing. All this hard work is paying off for sure.

This happened the day before I was to workout with Justin. I sent him an email telling him what happened, telling him I was going to go workout, even though it was 10pm at night, and telling him I didn't want to talk about it the next day during our session. I woke up, got ready for our session. We were supposed to workout for 1:30, but at the end of the session he talked to me for about 20 minutes. He knew I didn't want to talk, but that didn't mean he couldn't. He was really trying to get me to figure out why I just couldn't let go and do this? What was I scared of? Why do I self sabotage myself? And, as you know from working with Justin, he even got me to talk. :) Because of this I had some incredible things happen Friday Night and Saturday. Huge turning points I would say.

During our session on Thursday, Justin kept encouraging me to come to his strength and spinning class that night, ok, who am I kidding here, he mentioned it so many times I knew I had no choice. :) The thing about group classes is that I hate them. I am usualy the biggest person there and usually have trouble with what is going on and have trouble finishing. I told him I hate group classes and at one point he sent me a text saying, "Come tonight. Face your fears." I was hoping my babysiting job would go over, so I couldn't make it, but I finished at 4:30 and his class was at 5:30. I went. You would have been so proud of me.

I got on a bike next to my friend, Emily. She is super enouraging and has been right where I am. She gets it. I was doing great when towards the end of the class my left calf just cramped up. It was so bad I couldn't even put any weight on it at first. I sat there massaging it while everyone around me finished the class. I was pissed. I even said to Justin at one point, "This is why I told you I didn't want to come." Emily checked on me and I told her, "This is why I don't like group classes. I hate being the fat girl that always has trouble." She made me look at her and said, "You are not the fat girl having trouble. You are the badass that made it here and hasn't left yet." I was still pissed, but after my leg felt better, I got up, grabbed some dumbells and even though I couldn't bike anymore finished the weights workout. I didn't quit. Even though I was embarrassed and pissed during class on the drive home I realized just how well I had done. I did some of the best biking I had done in a long time and I didn't give up. I was a badass. :)

Saturday, Justin has a spin class at 10am. When I walked through the door he was really surprised to see me. I think after the night before he wasn't expecting me to come. I had a great class, my legs cooperated. After class, someone walked up to me and asked me if my leg was ok. They had been at the class the night before. They told me that they were so impressed I had come back after the rough night I had. I left the studio with a smile on my face.

After getting home I got some bad news. I was instantly sick to my stomach and crying, but then something happened that has never happened to me before. I stopped, took a breath, and realized this was out of my control. There is absolutely NOTHING I could do to change what was happening and even though I was pissed, I knew I would be ok. I was not going to let this derail me from my goals or get me down. I was still mad, so for the first time I took my anger to the gym and not to bed or the kitchen. I did not turn to food for comfort. I worked out for an hour. I cried during that workout. I got mad during that workout and when I left my gym it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I felt at peace. It was AWESOME and a huge breakthrough for me. I am writing to you about this because I never want you to forget this day. I want you to remember what you did. I want you to know that on these days you made some AWESOME decisions that led you to where you are now. You are living proof that this can be done and I never want you to forget

I never want you to forget sitting on the floor after your leg cramped up. Remember how pissed you were, how embarassed you were, how out of control you felt that night. I want you to remember the choice you made that night. You got back up and did what you could to finish that class. I want you to remember the next day waking up and deciding to get your ass back to the spinning studio. I want you to remember the feelign you felt when you walked in and Justin was so happy to see you. Remember, how even when it felt like your leg was going to cramp up again, you kept persevering. I also want you to NEVER forget how in the face of bad news, for the FIRST TIME EVER in your life, you released it because it was out of your control. These are the moments that are leading to where you are today, at goal, happy, and living life to the fullest.

I want you to know that I am so proud of you for Friday night and Yesterday. You made some amazing choices. You took a huge leap closer to your goals. I am that much closer to meeting you and never coming back to where I am today. You are amazing and you did it. You are at your goal weight, you worked hard through all the hard stuff, and look at you, amazing.

I know that I will still have hard days and want to turn to my old ways, but looking at you now, at your goal weight, happy, enjoying life, I know that I will learn and not have to turn to food or my old habits to feel comfort. You are proof of that. I am grateful to you for never giving up on me.

Love, Not so skinny me, Melissa <3